I’ve been on the fence about writing this for a while as its quite close to my heart. But I’ve had a few positive conversations about it the past couple of weeks and since its world mental health day I thought I’d finally share it with you all.
I suffered with anxiety and depression for most of my late teens, I never wanted to fully open up about it as I wanted people that didn’t know me so well to have the image of me being a ‘happy go lucky’ girl which is the case for the majority of the time. The people closest to me unfortunately had to witness the awful side of it for months at a time.
It’s been a few years now but the depression came in ‘phases’ which of course is not the same for everyone, fortunately I was lucky enough eventually to spot when they were on their way, but I’d never know how long it was going to last. The only way I could describe the feeling was as though I was stuck in a black box, which felt like I was suffocating and as though my entire life was falling apart with no way of fixing it. I would convince myself that everyone hated me and that I was a horrible person, which then led to days of staying in my bedroom and not wanting to see or spend time with anyone. I’d feel guilty for silly things and then I’d hate myself for weeks. There was times id not be able to leave the house without having a panic attack. I then started to realise how silly I’d been for thinking this and that I’m not a terrible person at all.
In 2013 the doctors gave me 2 different anti depressants, which I eventually took myself off and got better by myself. Of course I couldn’t have done that without my family and especially my mum, who was the most supportive person through the entire experience and I feel so fortunate to have had someone so understanding of the illness.
I’m now learning to give myself a break once in a while and come to terms with the fact that i suffer with it and that so many other people suffer with it everyday. Even people you think are the happiest may be having the darkest time in their heads.
All I can say is embrace it and try to understand it, understand that it’s a chemical imbalance of the brain and it does NOT define you as a person. Write down things that have made you happy and keep trying to be social and leave the house, if you don’t feel as though you can leave the house, make someone come over for a cup of tea and eat your favourite biscuits wrapped up in a blanket, if it’s warm sit in the garden and read your favourite book, watch dog videos with someone you love or watch your fave feel good movie. you’ll have days where you’re sitting on the train with your music on and want to burst not knowing if you want to laugh or cry with joy because you’re so happy, and you’ll have days where someone will say something wonderful to you and you’ll realise your life is worthwhile, of course you will have the bad days but the good days make it okay. You will get through it and when you get to the other side you’ll realise how special and great life actually is.
I know this isn’t the best written blog post, but if it helps a couple of people then I’m happy! Life is very precious.
Thankyou my loves xx